The sun is nowhere to be seen. My own son is equally not present, having spent the week with his dad on a trip to Disneyland and then AZ to visit relatives. The sunflowers are still blooming, waiting for them both to show their faces once more.
It's been an odd week. On Monday, I was sure I was depressed because I had no energy and all I wanted to do was go to bed. The MD told me, while I might also be depressed, what I had in my nose was in fact, a raging sinus infection.
He sent me home with antibiotics and Flonase, which if you have never tried it- smells and tastes just like Grandma Betty's perfume. So that happened. I also decided this was a sign from the heavens. A sign that this time did not yet include the big C, that I should go ahead and quit smoking.
Instead of just stopping like I did last year, I bought patches this time. I am on my third patch and I know how it is when you tell people you're quitting something. It's like, oh awesome, good job! The proof is in the pudding as it were. Basically, smoking is gross and I have always hated it.
I started smoking so many years ago. I quit when I found out I was pregnant and then only started again when I was neck-deep in my divorce. It started with one and then... well. It's been 2 years. I initially tried to hide it from my son. As of three months ago, he told me some important words. "I wish you would stop cigaretting, Mom." Yes, my heart in a million pieces and yet I did not, could not stop.
So it is what it is. Just for today, I am not smoking and just for today I am refusing to let a little fear and addiction get in the way of the life I want to lead. I intend on living for a long time so I can be around to watch my son grow, so I can become the Social Worker that lives what she practices in all respects, not just most of them save smoking.
Am I afraid I will fail? Yes. Am I going to keep stopping even if I slip? Yes. But I don't want to slip. I want to stay quit, for my own sake, for my son's sake and for the sake of those cigarette companies who get rich while people who smoke die.