Friday, September 28, 2012

Fear is the Mindkiller

The sun is nowhere to be seen. My own son is equally not present, having spent the week with his dad on a trip to Disneyland and then AZ to visit relatives. The sunflowers are still blooming, waiting for them both to show their faces once more.

It's been an odd week. On Monday, I was sure I was depressed because I had no energy and all I wanted to do was go to bed. The MD told me, while I might also be depressed, what I had in my nose was in fact, a raging sinus infection.

He sent me home with antibiotics and Flonase, which if you have never tried it- smells and tastes just like Grandma Betty's perfume. So that happened. I also decided this was a sign from the heavens. A sign that this time did not yet include the big C, that I should go ahead and quit smoking. 

Instead of just stopping like I did last year, I bought patches this time. I am on my third patch and I know how it is when you tell people you're quitting something. It's like, oh awesome, good job! The proof is in the pudding as it were. Basically, smoking is gross and I have always hated it.

I started smoking so many years ago. I quit when I found out I was pregnant and then only started again when I was neck-deep in my divorce. It started with one and then... well. It's been 2 years. I initially tried to hide it from my son. As of three months ago, he told me some important words. "I wish you would stop cigaretting, Mom." Yes, my heart in a million pieces and yet I did not, could not stop. 

So it is what it is. Just for today, I am not smoking and just for today I am refusing to let a little fear and addiction get in the way of the life I want to lead. I intend on living for a long time so I can be around to watch my son grow, so I can become the Social Worker that lives what she practices in all respects, not just most of them save smoking.

Am I afraid I will fail? Yes. Am I going to keep stopping even if I slip? Yes. But I don't want to slip. I want to stay quit, for my own sake, for my son's sake and for the sake of those cigarette companies who get rich while people who smoke die.

12 comments:

  1. Go Girl! You also told ME that you didn't want me to die! Eventually, I heard you. Lovable you !

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    1. I bet I did. And I am glad you're alive!

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  2. Sending you Strength and Love Jessica, I am sure nicotine is incredibly hard to kick and I am sure your just the person to do it. Sorry you have been sick I have been fighting something as well and am suffering lethargic feelings at the moment. Hard to take time to relax when the to do list appears relentless. Here is to some much needed down time for both of us.

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    1. Ha. Thanks. I am done being a slave, I hope. Taking it a day at a time, so far so good. Xoxo.

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  3. Sending lots of support and encouragement on your kicking the habit. YOU CAN DO IT!! Hope you are feeling better, I miss you, we haven't caught each other on-line in awhile. I remember several years ago when I had a sinus infection they gave me Flonase it smells flowery. I hope you are feeling better!

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    1. Thanks, yes since the session about Hawtman ended, it's been harder to make contact. I look forward to seeing you in Jan!

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  4. I so appreciate your honesty. I am at the forefront of kicking tobacco. I quit many years ago, only to start up again-then back and forth for several years. It is an addiction and it is, I agree, paying into companies that continue to sell their product at the expense of hundreds of thousands of lives. I have watched my grandmother and mother die of smoking and yet...there I go. I do not want that kind of death for my children to see. I salute you! a moment at a time and then a day at a time..you can do this!

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  5. Glad you're on board. It's made a lot easier with constant support of friends and family and the patch! Xo.

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  6. Hey girrrrl, I am a recovering smoker :) I LOVE smoking but I don't do it anymore. I dunno how long it's been. A year and a half? I've stopped and started so many times. I will never again say "this is my last cigarette". I won't even say that I quite smoking. I just know that I don't smoke right now. You're right, one moment at a time...and it all adds up.
    I'll tell you a little secret...sometimes I like being around second hand smoke :)
    I remember one of the first times I quit. It was when my dad had a heart attack and he was in the hospital. He asked me for two things 1. to go to college and 2. to quit smoking. I knew he used to smoke many many years ago and he said, "I quit for you, now you HAVE to quit for me".

    Sometimes the guilt of that made me want a cigarette...and although I'd like to give my dad the credit, I can't say that is why I stopped. I am not sure why I started to say no to cigarettes...I think each moment's temptation is a different answer and somehow I hardly tempted anymore.

    In my opinion, you'll do it when you want and how you want (quitting that is).

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    1. I love your stories. Thank you so much for sharing them. Sometimes it's easy to feel like we are the only ones who struggle so the sharing of stories makes that less so. Thanks!

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  7. Wow what a post Jessica, very personal! It reminds me so much of how I often struggle with eating and working out. I have developed a few fantastic approaches to such challenges: basically if I feel like working out on any given day, I do so. If I cannot muster the energy, often I do not; occasionally, I do it even when I dont feel like doing it, but this is a rare occurance. As far as food, I attempt to make it about sanity, not discipline. It is painful to make myself want a larger portion than is required and then have to stop myself from eating it. That makes it feel like I am depriving myself of something, which is deeply untrue. It much easier to aim for an attitude wherein I know that smaller portions are in fact good for me, and I'm not giving something I want up, I'm actually avoiding something bad that I dont actually really want. This allows for sanity. It sounds complex, but it is in fact much simpler than it appears. The good thing about your smoking situation is that you know basically exactly what you need to do. That is a big advantage.

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    1. Well, I figure I am accountable if this is public. Someone told me I am as sick as my secrets and I agree with them. I like your approach, Nathan. The more advantages we have with this stuff, the better. Thanks!

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